If you’re a woman and you live in the United States, chances are good you’ve got a story about a name change. You’ve either switched your last name, intentionally decided not to, or will make a choice about this down the road. Even if marriage isn’t your bag, I’ll bet you’ve got an opinion about this issue. In my case, the topic has cropped up throughout my life.

In elementary school my friends and I scrawled imagined names on notebooks, in high school we joked about horrible names we’d inherit one day, and as young women we debated the pros and cons of changing our names after marriage. Not once did I envision the day I’d walk into a courtroom surrounded by my adult girlfriends, on a mission to reclaim my given name after divorce.

Considering Reclaiming Your Name?

If you, too, are contemplating reclaiming your name, then I salute you! Getting divorced is painful enough. I won’t blame you if filling out a billion government forms hasn’t risen to the top of your priority list just yet. I know. It took me three years after divorce to muster the energy to face this process.

By the way, I have no desire to put down my ex or marriage itself. I have genuine respect for both, and I fully intend to give, ahem, one of them a try again someday. And know that I support you wholeheartedly no matter what you choose to do with your own name. It’s a personal decision that only you can make. (Unless you live in a country that has laws about this, thanks to, say, feminist legislation in the ’70’s and ’80s. To that I say, “Wow.”)

For now, though, I’m talking to the would-be name changers out there. If you’ve gotten divorced and want to change your name back, what’s your motivation?

• Might it empower you, after enduring a draining time?
• Have you been using your given name as your middle one, and now you’re tired of explaining which is which?
• Maybe you have cause to keep a healthy disconnection from your ex?
• Or perhaps the change might simply help you feel like yourself again?

No matter your reason, consider me your virtual cheerleader. I just went through this process last month, so here are three tips I have for you.

Ask For Help

I feel a tad sheepish for giving this advice, as I only followed it myself because I had to. I’m one of those can-do types who really, really struggles with needing people. But sometimes life forces us to acknowledge we’re not in this alone, and this was a case in point.

In my state of Minnesota, changing your name (unless done at the time of the marriage or divorce) requires jumping through a series of hoops. Along with getting a background check and paying a fee, an applicant must receive approval from a judge at a court-appointed hearing. This involves bringing two adult witnesses to testify about your identity.

My hearing took about 40 minutes, mostly spent on observing the other cases assigned to the same docket as mine. My friend Jess took this shot moments after my girlfriends and I left the courtroom.

After receiving my court date, I had about month to recruit my witnesses. Trust me when I tell you I tried to dream up ways to do this without “bothering” my loved ones. I dragged my feet for more than a week. My plan of complete independence fell through, though, since the entire point of these witnesses is that they know you well. I finally mustered the courage to send an email to several friends, asking for their help.

I figured I’d play a numbers game and invite a group. The thought was I’d be lucky to scare up two friends who’d be willing and able to drive across town at the appointed time. To my surprise, I received enthusiastic, unwavering support. Within minutes of sending the email I’d gotten not two, not three, but four versions of, “I’m in!” They told me they wouldn’t miss this important event, and asked what they could do to help.

While snapping a few selfies after the hearing, we noticed two bailiffs sitting in the hallway nearby, amused by our smiles and cameras. Heidi had the guts to invite one of them to take a shot. He mentioned how rare it is to see people actually wanting to commemorate their court experience, so he was happy to oblige.

Turn it Into an Event

Even after my friends said they’d come no matter what, I still had a hard time accepting their help. It took me another week or so to decide what to do with this avalanche of support. Should I just choose two of them? If so, which two? Was I sure there wasn’t some other way to get this done, without putting any of them out?

In the end, I took a deep breath, and decided to go all in. I invited to the whole crew. After all, court hearings are open to the public. I knew we’d be respectful of our fellow courtgoers, who’d be facing who-knows-what. There really wasn’t any reason to hold back, other than my own hesitation about meeting this unfamiliar situation so openly.

My friends’ enthusiasm rubbed off on me, and we decided to celebrate with breakfast afterward. The courthouse, located in the county where I reside, is easily 15 minutes east of where the others live. One of my favorite cafes is only three blocks away, so it seemed like a good excuse to introduce them to it.

Look at these awesome ladies! Having them with me in court absolutely transformed the experience. The courtroom was more formal than I’d pictured, and their support counteracted my nervousness. And, yes, we all enjoyed our celebratory breakfast treats afterward.

Be Loving to Yourself

My final advice applies to your name-change process, but it’ll also serve you well every freaking day of your life: Be loving to yourself. Changing your name involves a ridiculous number of steps and several months of sustained effort. Gaining legal approval only gets you halfway there. Next, as I’m facing now, you’ll have to record the change in every place your name appears.

Even if your state, like mine, provides resources for streamlining the process, you’re still the one responsible for executing the details. Get ready to fill out various forms, send them to the appropriate places, and pay the related fees. If you’re anything like me, adding these tasks to an already full plate will make you somewhat grumpy. It’s in these moments when you’ll have to break out the reminder to be loving to yourself. I mean it. Be loving to yourself.

When you get distracted and forget, for three days in a row, to get that passport form in the mail, do not berate yourself. After you walk out the door and realize you’ve misplaced the social-security form (yes, the same form you specifically put by your purse so you wouldn’t forget it), let it go for today.

These are the kinds of things that can make you feel like a failure if you let them. Instead, remember this process is a project. It will take time and that’s okay. Pat yourself on the back for any progress you’ve made this far. Take a deep breath. Know that the forms will still be there tomorrow, and think back to your motivations. Then, grab some girlfriends and go celebrate your newfound inner peace!

As always, feel free to share your own stories in the comments. I’d love to hear from you.

So I have to tell you about a first-rate thing that happened last weekend. Consider it my own personal proof that life’s more fun when you get over your hangups and let yourself be who you are. For crying out loud, you guys, is anybody else tired of being concerned about what everybody might think of us, anyway?

Here’s the deal. I love thrift shops. I adore them so much I’ve devoted entire blog posts to celebrating good ones like Top Drawer of Austin, Texas. I’m also a huge fan of people who build community, which is what draws me to bloggers. So a few weeks ago I had an idea for putting these two together in a way that brought me so much joy it made my head want to explode.

It wasn’t all that complicated, really: How about I reach out to the Twin Cities Blogger Collective and invite them along on a thrift-shop hop? We’d visit a local thrift store or two, take pics, then write about it. Yes! I was drawn to the idea and it was simple enough. But simplicity wasn’t my problem. No, my issue was much more diabolical. In order to follow through with the outing I envisioned, I’d have to get over my fear of not being liked.

First of all, I’d never met anyone from this collective of women bloggers. I’d recently joined their Facebook group, but that was my only point of contact. Okay, I had met one, but she hardly counted, as she’d told me about the group in the first place. That left 108 ladies I’d never seen face to face.

Spolier alert, I pushed past my doubt and reached out to the bloggers. Here I am with Sarah, the Recreational Gardner herself. We explored two fine Minneapolis thrift shops, Junket: Tossed and Found and Time Bomb Vintage.  (Photo by Recreational Gardner.)

Second, I hadn’t entirely gotten over my shyness about taking photos in public. Sure, taking a quick phone snap is practically the norm. Even so, wearing a DSLR around your neck feels like an invite for unwanted attention, regardless of whether or not this is actually true.

Think about it. There’s no way to have a long-lensed camera suspended on your chest AND appear casual at the same time. You might as well hang a sign on that industrial Sony strap. It might boast something like, “HEL-LO, fellow shoppers! You may be here for a spontaneous afternoon jaunt, but I actually planned this. I really, really like this place, and I drove 18.8 miles one way just to come. (True story.) What’s more–and this may be the hardest part to admit–I genuinely care about what happens here today.”

This is my favorite image from our trip. Yes, it’s a bin filled with typewriter keys. I was  drawn to their stark beauty, and it felt good to run my fingers through them.

I know. My dilemma may not sound like life and death, because of course it isn’t. But I believe there are too many of us walking around, holding back back the best parts of ourselves. What a damn shame! Not only does this habit require a great deal of personal energy, but the world is missing out because of it.

Since starting this blog just over a year ago, I’ve grown braver about reaching out. I’ve learned skills that have helped me feel more empowered. I’ve gained inspiration from creative women all over the world. So when the idea came along to connect with actual people in my own city, it was easier to push past my fear and just go for it. And thank God for that, because the afternoon was ridiculously fun.

Would you believe this is a handpainted wooden purse from the ’60s? Be like this ballsy peacock. Put yourself out there proudly.

Time Bomb Vintage has a welcoming neighborhood feel. I was charmed by this interactive display by the register.

See those letters? She’s going to turn some of them into yard art proclaiming, “GROW.” I can’t wait to see her post!

Four bloggers responded to my Facebook invite to meet me at a local thrift store, and I was able to sync schedules with one right away: Sarah of the Recreational Gardener. She figured she could score some thrifty yard art for her garden. We agreed to meet along the Minnehaha Mile, a collection of hip neighborhood shops in Minneapolis. We’d head to Junket: Tossed and Found, then walk a block to Time Bomb Vintage.

Truer words have never been spoken. This sign accompanied the rack of ties hanging on a  display at Junket.

Both shops are nothing short of delightful. The displays are arranged so lovingly they actually talk to you. That’s right. Within minutes of our arrival, a photo in a small green frame spoke to me. (Literally, assuming you count thought bubbles, which I clearly do. I mean, obviously.) It reassured me that I’m among friends and don’t have to be embarrassed.

Here it is, the photo that reached through the cosmos and spoke what I needed to hear. Check out the kids! I snapped this shot without noticing them. Later, while cropping this image, I saw them for the first time and laughed out loud.

I’ve come to believe this advice is is true of the world as well. There’s no need to feel ashamed. And who are the best reminders of this? Our very own like-minded, weird, lovely friends. So get over yourself and go find them, wherever they may be. Look online, head to a meetup in your city, invite that work acquaintance to coffee. Sure, not every lead will pan out. But that’s okay.

I thought of my grandmother while taking this shot. She collected napkin rings and had two  displays of them hanging on her dining room wall. You could tell she treasured them, and each ring was different from the one next to it. Dosie was an artist who passed away when I was in middle school. Oh, how I’d love to have an adult conversation with her!

Know that it’ll take time, but seek your community. Surrounding yourself with your people is one of the best ways to draw you out of shyness and into your best self. Find those who are already doing what you want to do. Learn from them. Pay careful attention. Then over time, figure out which ones you can come to meet, online or in person. In fact, I’ll leave you with one final piece of thrift-shop wisdom: “To hell with circumstances; I create opportunities.”

Find your community and you’ll be one step closer to living this out.

For the bloggers among you, do you have your own story of creating opportunities? Join my February linky party: Make, Mend, Change.

So what about you? Who are your like-minded friends? Let me know in the comments!

A few weeks ago, I announced my intention to start a side gig. Admitting this terrified me, and talking about it hasn’t gotten any easier. That said, I’m also drawn to bringing you along with me, in case you have similar dreams of your own. Whatever life project you’re undertaking (starting a business not required), I’d love to provide inspiration for your journey. And heck, I’d even consider it a good thing if any of my failures help you figure out what to avoid.

Let’s talk about finishing projects. Are you a finisher, or more of a chronic starter? For me, ideas come fast, but willpower tends to lag. I routinely start WAY more projects than I complete. But this venture, my dream to to build a side business, is different. It’s tugging at me in a deeper way. So much so, that I’m actively putting structures in place to propel me from dreams to action.

This past August, at the summer camp for entrepreneurs called Camp GLP (a.k.a., Good Life Project), I attended a workshop that’s been gradually changing my life ever since. Led by Charlie Gilkey of Productive Flourishing, Start Finishing was a session that provided us with 10 keys to finishing any project. Together, they’ve transformed my habits and equipped me with a structure to follow. (I hear he’s turning this workshop into a book. When he’s done, I’ll be first in line to buy it, unless you beat me to it.)

The notes I took during Start Finishing continue to inspire me. “Impact doesn’t come from things you might do.” Indeed, Gilkey, indeed.

Right now I’m working on Key #4: Pick Your Success Pack. As you’ve probably guessed, a success pack is a collection of people that helps you make things happen. Gathering this crew is super important, but it’s a step people tend to blow past. An individual may think teams will come down the road, or worse, that he or she is obligated to go it alone.

Last month I attended an info session for budding entreprenuers at WomenVenture, a MInneapolis nonprofit. It’s devoted to helping women “achieve economic success through small business ownership.” There I learned that women are particularly susceptible to overstretching their emotional and financial resources. They’re more likely to believe they have to do it all, especially in the early days of their businesses. If not corrected, this miscalculation can lead to massive frustration, often causing the venture to fail.

During Start Finishing, Gilkey put it this way: “Every successful project has a team behind it.” I already believed this, but the part I hadn’t considered was the importance of building a team from the start. In fact, you’re considerably better off if you establish your success pack before you begin.

The project-starters among you may be surprised, as was I, that doing the work doesn’t even come till Gilkey’s Key #9 (yes, of 10). Preparing for your project, as it turns out, is critical to success. Big sigh! Yeah, sure, I get this intellectually and have known it for a long time. Even so, planning ahead doesn’t come naturally to me.

My shiny-object personality is precisely why I’ve relied so heavily on Gilkey’s recommendations. I’ve found them helpful because they’ve taught me what to do and when. They’ve given me confidence to know I’m on the right track and keep going. In this case, Gilkey says a solid success pack includes four roles: guides, peers, supporters, and beneficiaries.

Guides know more than you and have the ability to teach it. Peers understand what you’re going through, as they’re doing similar projects. Supporters cheer you on along the way. They may not understand every detail of your project–and they don’t need to–but they DO care about you. Presumably, they’re fun to hang around, which will come in handy when you’re ready to celebrate a milestone. These can be large or small, but make sure to plan on regular intervals to recognize them.

Gilkey emphasized the importance of sharing and celebrating socially. He made a point of telling us that “any progress counts.” Boy, is this last piece of advice tailor made for you and me or what? It’s easy to minimize things you’ve already done, focusing instead on the mountain of tasks ahead. Finally, beneficiaries are the ones who’ll make use of your project’s end result. Understanding their needs is vital, so you’ll want to check in with them regularly, too.

Can you identify people in your network who might carry out these roles on your project? Think about it, then think about it some more. Then, if you feel inspired, feel free to chime in and let me know. I’d be curious to hear what your project is (or not), and how you’re using success packs to help you get there.

By the way, I’ll be sharing more about my process of picking a success pack in Part 2 of this article. Until then, happy pack building!